mood swings

I am mad with my beau. I don't know why. I feel neglected and so alone. I hang up on him today. I just hate it when he calls just when he is rushing out of the office. It really irritates me so much. I am really irritated now. and very mad at him.

Blood

Have you ever wonder how does it feel to grow up with your brothers and sisters, then later on find your ties severed from them, like forever?

I should not be discussing this, but I guess there is no one to talk to about this topic anyway. I am very glad that blogging came along when talking is impossible. I used to think that I will be happy if only I grew up far away from my siblings. I consider them monsters for their irritating schemes. But for five (5) years of not seeing them and a lifetime of not seeing them again gives me a sadness that I can't describe. I love my brothers and sisters. I might have done everything I could to provide their needs. If only they are my real brothers and sisters. If only we were of same father.

Alright. I know. It's not an issue.

But if you are in my situation, I think you would totally agree with me. If you would call the separation as blessing in disguise, then you are definitely right. I need to move out of the house to settle and find a place of my own. Not an apartment to stay with like all those 20+ something usually do. But I need to find a family that would keep me. Yes. You got it right. A family. But it is not an issue of having someone to adopt me.

As I have already discussed in my earlier blogs, Mom got an issue on being a parent. Well, I admit that she does not really understand the meaning of parenting. I think she sees it as a synonym for power. authority. But I do not judge her for that. I love her still as a daughter but I cannot risk my entire life with this kind of love. She ruined my chance for happiness once and I would not allow it now. You can call me selfish or brat but if you were forced into a situation where lives could be bought for a mere 25,ooo pesos then it is fine with me. You might find it exaggerated, but it is true.

I don't want to create confusion now so I will tell you what I meant on my statement above. In a certain society where I used to lived, they got this traditional way of acquiring a wife. They find the best one (someone who got a degree with good family background) and compensate it with a amount that both party will agree with. The bride to be can have the privilege to know that a transaction is going on or if she is unfortunate, she might end up forced into taht kind of life. If you would call it that way.

I hope you got the picture now of what I am trying to explain here.

Oh dear, it's rude to stop in the middle of a story telling but I got tons of work to do and need to accomplished before the end of the day. So I got to go for now and maybe, tomorrow I will be able to finish this post.

Ciao!

Techie

Finally! After months of trying to figure out how will I input the links, I finally did it! I think when you say technical it does not necessarily mean you can be good at computers. I am the perfect example of someone who is categorized as technical person but too slow on maintaining my blog. haha!Maybe I would spend more time on the computer and learning more about it.

Scrapbook update

I already finished the third page. I put some beads, stickers that I received from PETA and different types of papers with coordinating colors. I also added as embellishement a small sunflower on his name. The effect is perfect. Maybe i will post some of my work when I got the time to scan it.

On Heartaches

Did I mentioned that I had my battles to fight during my youth? I am not that old, 26 to be exact but there are certain things that make someone believe that they are older than their age. One of them is loneliness. I am one of those few who survived the attack of loneliness. I thought I won, but there are moments when I could feel that unexplainable feeling striking me right throught the heart.

scrapbook

i am crazy about scrapbooking. I love the variety of colors, tectures and other things that keeps my creative juice flowing. Doing it gives me that kind of relaxed mood.

LAst night I spent two hours doing yanyan's. I slept late but I am so happy that I am almost done with the second page. I did not expectd to enjoy the hobby so much. My only problem now is where can I get the materials for this hobby.

But I do recommend it to everybody. There is this website that gives free downloads of different designs and layouts.

www.scrapbookscrapbook.com

You should try it once in a while.

Chasing Dreams

I've always wondered as a child what kind of life will I have as an adult. I have envisioned myself as someone sitting in a desk, a calculator in hand and paperworks on the other. Or someone acting on television. It never occured to me that I will be spending my time in college at a laboratory and doing engineering computations. I've always imagined myself associated with the arts: writing, painting or acting. Technical has never been one of my dreams. But here I am, doing technical works even if I am no longer employed at the manufacturing plants.
Ending up on a technical field was not my personal choice but I can still remember how did I strive in a dream that was not mine.

I am good in Mathematics, i'm that kind of person who would throw away the school stuffs after after school and pick up a book and read. I love reading nice short stories and poem. I even write my own piece. But like all sad stories, I have a very complicated domestic life. My mother have a deep hatred to my biological father, thus I ended up not knowing that there is an existing person in the other part of the world that would later claim me as his child. I will tell you later how did this father changed everything in my life. My Mom's hatred made her commit the biggest mistake that will affect my life so much - she put my legitimacy under the name of her husband. This husband which I will call Mr. Know-It-All is someone who would bribe you money for a high grade. But that is the easy part. The hard part is, I have to work hard to get that high grades and also work my way through a lot of nasty remarks from spoiled rich classmates (for I am attending a school catering rich spoiled kids) to favoritism-oriented teachers. It was a tough fight for someone who used to be protected by grandparents and aunts and uncles. To add up to my burden, my Mom physically and verbally abused me.

The High School life is a big issue and will affect my life until I reached adulthood. Battered emotionally and physically, it was very difficult for me to balance life in school and at home. The extra-curricular activities drains me physically and so does the resposibilities at home. That is exclusive of the constant banter and bicker of my Mom. The struggle did not end there. Mom married someone of different class and at the age of eleven I was forced to live with them ( my mom's second family). But during those times, I am not yet aware of the existence of my biological dad. I was led to believe that teh stepfather was my real dad although I did not grew up with them. As I was saying, I stayed with my Mom at a very strange place. It is a place with a very conservative society. So many restrictions and impossible rules. But my plights bring out the best in me. I learned to fight back in the most subtle way. I started creating my scheme on how to escape that bleak life. I used all my resources to reach out for some help. Inteventions from God came through an opportunity of coming over the city to study. It was the happiest moment in my life. Holding taht piece of paper that holds my freedom gave me the most unexplainable feeling.

College has been my the only answer to my freedom. But It was not a piece of cake for me. Losing my scholarship in due to pressures from my Mom and her husband put me in a state of depression taht almost made me end my life. I transferred school but continued my studies on the the chosen course. It was a remnants of my dreams. Actually, it was a goal that I have to pursue because Life gave me no other option. I never wanted to take the course but the stepfather insisted. It was a very difficult task - studying something that does not caught your interest, going to school without a blink of sleep because I am not allowed to sleep that much during schooldays ( it is a long story...), new classmates bugging me, new university ( oh dear, believe me, it was like going over my freshman years again...sigh). Eventually, I graduated after the heartbreaking-soulwrenching thesis. I thought my dream is already in my hands but I did not realized that I am not going to be happy on my chosen field. Simply because I have always wanted to be an artist and my profession was not really my choice.

With that realization, I worked my way on different interviews and luckily ended in my first job. That was the time when I already know about my real dad. I will posts on another issue the story of how my dad found me and the scandal that it would cause me.

The first job gave me the opportunity to meet my loved one. It was a struggle because I know that I am in a very sticky situation but the dream that was never mine brought me to my own dreams...my loved ones.

I could say that all the struggles gave me a reward that I know i deserve. Now, I spend the night holding in my arms the two person that makes me whole. I know that there will be more obstacles and challenges to overcome but I am stronger now because I have two other hands holding me still while I fight my way to happiness.

And so they are called

I've read about this in a advertisement. I never knew then that what they are called. As it happens, i forgot again the name. And you know what they are clled? Sky Dancers!

I wonder if I will forget again...

Agitated

I don't feel well today. A lot of things are hanging on my head like an axe that would strike anytime. There are issues at work that I wish to finish today. Some people are really nasty. They don't want to do their job well but keep on blaming others instead. It makes me really short-tempered.

The Message

Ok, this is something that is not your kind of parable story. This is, in fact a story of the events that occured today. To be more specific, it was my encounter with an old acquiantance through the internet.

Early today, i received a message from an old beau asking me how life is. Well, i certainly did not tell him that life is difficult and I am really having bad thoughts this past few days. Not that it matters though. Both of us know that we doesn't want to discuss those grim side of life. Not this certain person. You could tell him anything but your problems in life. That's why we did not end up with each other. That's why he left. Or so I think. And on the other hand, it was the same reason why when he came back in my life almost a year ago, I did not let him.

Looking back, it was a really messy relationship. He is always out of money. A free loader. But it doesn't matter back then. For someone who wants to keep a relationship money doesn't matter. Anyway, he asked me today if I am already married or if I had a baby. I was taken aback because it was very unlikely of him to ask me those kind of questions. He told me he already took a wife, something that I have been aware of for quite sometime now. But of course, I pretended unaware. I would not lead him to the idea that I kept track of what's going on with his life. Not that friendster kept me from that also. But being in the same field of career, I would eventually know.

He told me he will be coming over this week. I took it as a way of telling me that he wants to see me. I shied away from the topic because it was something I would rather not answer. I want to see him, for the very reason that I want to see how life has become of him. But it gave me chills thinking that I will see this person again. And that is something that kept me puzzled until now. Is it a kind of message telling me there are issues I still need to deal with? I have to remind myself that everything between us was already over more than two years ago.

I'll think it over tonight.

emotions

This is my first post on this blog but i have another blog where i have already few articles published. As the title says, its gonna be my emotional drainage. My rants, complaints and even my non-sense blabber will be posted here. Hmmm...i wonder if anyone would even attempt to read this. We'll see. I hope someone would appreciate my incoherent thoughts.