Everyone is on youtube and vlogging. I must say, it is time for me to start writing too. Unfortunately, writing about my emotions pushed me back here. I need an outlet. I need a place to pour out my emotions without hurting people that matters to me.
From my last post here, I have gone a long way. I have three kids now, transferred two jobs and now feels like I am trapped in a career that would not budge forward. Yes, it is nobody's fault. That is why I am ranting here.
This current job is the most roller coaster ride on my career. I have been pushed to the wall, manipulated and hurt emotionally that it seems like it would take forever for me to get over the fear and trust issues I had from that experience four years ago.
Yes, it has been four years ago and I am still trying to recover. My work experience, prior to this current job is already for a "Managerial" position. And here I am working a lower position because it scares the hell out of me to start accepting more responsibilities and specifically handling people because honestly, they scared me.
Six years ago, I met a new set of people with sinister personalities. I feel so proud of myself because it seems that I am "made" to move up the ladder. I am equipped with training, connection and courage. I was wrong. That "bravery" brought me down (or up one floor because I have to ask to be transferred to another office).
Until now, I still feel like an outsider. I am using the "not so smart/clown attitude" to keep afloat in the office. The boss is a good mentor, she's a wonderful woman; my office mates are all wonderful but there you can still feel it, the lack of being genuinely part of something. Don't get me wrong. They try really hard to embrace me into the group but my skills and my workload is so different from what they do. and it is the dividing line that hovers on my head and keeps me from getting good projects and better opportunities. It also kept me on that wall, fighting my way out of this dark hole that I am in.
I can compartmentalize my brain, separate the good from the bad and focus on the good to inspire me and keep my days better. But there are days that focusing is overran by depressing feelings. That I can't control. And there are days that people who manipulated me and caused my work issues would pop up on conversations among friends and even if I don't admit it, it really ruins my day or say, my entire week or two weeks. For now, it has been ruining two weeks of my work week. How I wish one can take a leave and just focus on keeping my home white and comfortable.
Life is crazy. But on the bright side, I have the most wonderful family that keeps me sane. While working from home is such a struggle, their attention and love keeps me afloat.
We can't always have everything in life, right? I am still glad that my life is no longer on keeping others happy or impressed. I don't care anymore.
Labels: feelings
