Rain Check

My day started okay. He is edgy on everything, Yanyan is sleeping peacefully. Basically, the two of them put me in a okay mood, half irritated and happy. Now, I feel totally sad. I feel like walking out on everybody. I want to shut them out for a while. I need to do some rain check. I am mad and I don't understand why I am encouraging everyone to do the abuse.

Almost One

Today is his birthday. My little yanyan, the most important person in my life will be turning one. And I am spending the whole day doing officeworks because I am not allowed to take leave yet. Thanks for my very generous company who gives a high basic salary minus the benefits. I've been sulking weeks ago. Wondering why I can not find the perfect job and always end up unhappy about the present. Thinking that if only I have the means to support this family, I can spend more time with him.

He's been too active lately. Well, it's nothing like he is not on his usual self. It's just that he keeps on walking and walking with me in tow that I end up too tired to get up the next day. I gave hime his new shoes last night and at wee hours, the marathon began and ended around one in the morning. Not that this activity is bad, however, I don't want him missing his good night sleep and the brain developments that goes with it. The bottom line again is spending more time with him, which we could not afford right now.

On more pleasant thoughts, this little boy has been showing rapid development and above average IQ. It was a joy to see him yelling at the game shows on tv particularly the "Deal or No Deal" show.

Life it seems, will always be full of surprises. I am glad to have this young child here as the sweetest gift.

Happy birthday, son.

On bad thoughts and memories

It is really not amusing when my mind drifts into unpleasant thoughts.

Mom.

Dad.

Stepdad.

Mom

Pretending not to care makes me more depressed. Yesterday while waiting for a ride, an officemate about Mom's age waved me goodbye. As I watched her walk towards her husband's office my mind drifts and found myself wishing that Mom was like her: caring, sweet, fighter and knows what she wants. The thought brought tears into my eyes. I've given up on Mom for a very long time now. I know that wishing for things to get better will not change the loneliness and pains that I felt when she turned her back to me. Well, that was like twenty six years ago.

Dad.

Father's Day passed by and I did not even tried to call my dad. I don't even know if I care to this man anymore. I tried my best to show him that I am a good daughter. That despite his shortcomings, I care. But he doesn't. He wants to take control. But heck, it is my life and I don't want anyone pushing me around. Not even someone who claims he is my dad. Not a dad who does not have the balls to give me his surname.

Illigitimate.

Yes, I am a love child. Mom did not marry dad because of pride. She married someone else.

My stepdad.

I used to call him Papa then but things changed as my relationship with Mom grew worse. It was a mess. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. Alright, I blog. But that is another story. Stepdad is an exact example of machismo. He takes control and I totally abhorred it. He would bribed me with material things just to be on top of the class. It was a hopeless case for me. Mom is punching me with her verbal and physical attack, the stepdad is kicking me with his demands of school achievements and threatens me of murder if I got myself a boyfriend. My life back in highschool suck. I live in books, literally. I read to survive. I read to escape.

Mom + Dad + Stepdad.

The combination of three was hell. Mom was claiming an everlasting love for this biological father of mine. Dad was claiming I am his child and never knew the truth until the moment he saw me. Stepdad is claiming I am his, I am using his surname.

Having these ridiculous three made me confused and mad. I am drifting in a sea of despair and confusion. Mom should have kept her mouth shut. Dad should have stopped flirting with Mom. Mom should have given up her long lost love. Stepdad should have accepted the fact that I am not the perfect child.

Me - (Dad + Mom + Stepdad + Boyfriend)

I drifted along. My studies made things worst. I cannot keep up with the lessons I am taking. I am preoccupied. A selfish boyfriend is pushing me at the end of my wits. He dumped me for another girl or someone he like but doesn't like him in return or whatever. A new job however, saved me from insanity. It kept me busy. I just lay my body on th bed at night and zonked out. Work enslaved me and kept me away from home.

Me and Him

Then on the most unexpected moment he came. We talk till the wee hours. It was the best time of my life. We have known each other for months and has been exchanging hellos in the hallway. I eat like a horse, and so does he. We both love the same anime: samurai x. We agree that singlehood is a must try for everyone and being unattached is the best time for twenty something. Our relationship is exceptional. It kept me saner and healthier. And back then I know that he is my FOREVER.

Singlehood

It just came. Leaving singlehood to embrace a new stage in life. Insanity is out of the question now. I am happy and enjoying life. It is not forever but a lifetime.

Crossroads

I need a new job and I am not looking for one. For weeks I have been searching on the net for the perfect job but everytime I find one, I chicken out. Then after a day or two I would regret not submitting my resume.

Crazy. Loco.

I wanted to go back to my former company but I think I have to convince myself first that it would be okay with me if I see myself in the entry level while everyone else that I know are already going in and out of the country to enhance their capability as a technical person.

that is really out of the question, gurl.

So now, I need to really work hard to find one (re: start sending resume to other companies). Two questions remain now: where will I find one? Near my hometown or here in the city? It was now a matter of choosing which will work well for me.

I guess I need to reasses my career path. I have been wandering out of my profesison for too long.

About Analia

I have been busy the past week with work and I have already forgotten about my blog until I came across Analia's blog. It kept me reading for at least five (5) days just to see how things are doing in her life. I don't know her personally but we went to the same high school. I was amazed at how she writes her piece. It keeps me hooked up with her emotional drainage. I sobbed with her sad story and had my jaw dropped at how she parties which is definitely not allowed in the kind of society that she belongs to.

In one of her post, she had this fear of going away from her family for a long while. We are in the same shoes. I have been planning like ages on how to get out of the country but I always ended up telling myself that this is not the right time for me to do so.

....beep..beep...

The boss is coming. got to pack my things and start working. bye for now.

I blog

I am pissed off. First, he snapped at me. Second, they are not going to be there in my yanyan's party. I am really mad this time.

Looking at how things were, I should have told them how mad I am but I no longer do that. Like everyone else, I blog. Blogging keeps me in control of my anger but it doesn't mean I am no longer angry. It just keeps me from yelling things I am not supposed to say. But I do give cold shoulder. For how long, I don't know.